FWS Topics: Why Aliens wanna kick our ass!

Alien invasion is the oldest type of science fiction theme and stretches all the way back to the 3rd century BC, to the Indian epic, the Mahabharata, when the gods used the Vimanas in a war-of-the-gods While here in the western world, the alien invasion formed one of the first true science fiction novels, H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds. I came up with this blogpost after watching a Duke Nukem Forever trailer, Battle: Los Angeles and Chris Rock's: How not to get your ass kicked by the police, I decided I wanted to take a humorous approach take on why aliens would invade Terra via the most common reason given in sci-fi works. This blogpost was the result.

Aliens wanna kick our ass for our women

"Damnit, why do they always take the hot ones"

-DUKE NUKEM



The idea of horny alien spacemen crossing lightyears to come to Terra and take our women for sex is laughable, at best. The truth is that any real EBE would so different due to their evolution on another world and that's world ecosystem that is unlikely that genitalia would even match up with ours to allow for sexually contact, let alone the DNA...and let us not forgot desire. For us or them to possess the desire to fuck the other species, there would have to be a desire for that type of contact, and their idea of beauty may not be the same. While sci-fi may have its Orion Slave Women, the truth is that most alien races are not going to look like us, dousing the flames of interspecies passion. So, if it is so unthinkable to have aliens and humans mating, why is in common in science fiction? Sexually contact being different types of species appears twice in the Bible, once when the "sons of God came in unto the daughters of the earth" and their union created the Nephilim. Then during the God's judgment of Sodom and Gomorrah, when the Angels came, the mob demanded that Lot turn over the Angels so that could "know them"...yeah, in response, God nuked the cities....so don't have sex with angels. This theme was common in pulp science fiction works of the 1950's and 60's, and one of my literature professors at university informed us that this was a fear by white men of the period that African-American men would take their white women. So, no one panic when ET shows up, they don't want Cindy Crawford.

Aliens wanna kick our ass for our water!
Aliens coming to Terra to steal our water is a common reason mentioned in a majority of science fiction works, from  H.G. Wells' Martians to the aliens form Battle: LA, V, and the Combine of Half-Life 2, it seems that everyone wants out water, and not our Starbucks. Would this be a good reason for aliens to cross lightyears and mount an armed expedition? No. Even if these aliens are from Arrakis, they could simply go to another world that wasn't populated by an aggressive, nuclear-armed species, like Mars and the Moon, which we know has water. A even better source for water would be comets or the Europa, the ice-ball of Jupiter. The only way for aliens to invade for our water, would be their world was dying and very close to yours, which is what some 19th-century people thought when they saw the supposed canals on Mars, that could make Earth the next best thing, and giving rise to the War of the Worlds scenario.

Aliens wanna kick our ass and turn us into Beef Jerky!

Billions of fat free-ranch Terrans? Tons of Ranch dressing on planet Earth in the state of Texas? Warp Speed, Mr. Sulu! So, would hungry aliens come to Earth to snack on us, treating Terra as a drive through? No. I heard once on NPR that alien species could not eat us nor could we eat them due to our bodies not able to process protein with alien DNA. The fact is that any real alien species would be completely different, and given the level of technology needed to cross the gulf between one-star system to another, means that aliens could have developed food replicators. Then there is another part, to harvest free-range humans, we would need to be under their control, which means a war...I hope that they brought snacks because we humans don't surrender easily!

Aliens wanna kick our ass for our planet!

Now of all the reason listed on this blogpost, this meant might be the most logically. Terra is a prize, even if we don't treat that way, there is no other exo-solar planet that we know of that is even remotely close to Terra. Everyone from the Gamilions in Starblazers to the aliens from ID4, the Engineers form Prometheus, Martians from War of the Worlds all wanted Terra for themselves. For any alien species to want our world for colonization must be similar to us in a biological sense, because our bodies are a product of evolution on this planet, so any exo-solar atmospheric standard world would have to be extremely close to ours to support us without space suits in terms of gravity, heat, gas mixture. Any alien with their three eyes locked on our plant, would have to be desperate and near extinction in order to mount an armed invasion to take ours from us...any planetary invasion would be messy. Here is the original source for aliens wanting planet Earth from the original War of the Worlds: Yet across the gulf of space, minds that are to our minds as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.

Aliens wanna kick our ass and make us slaves!

Being made a slave is a primarily, real-world fear grounded in thousands of years of humans doing to humans. But would ET come to Terra looking for a few good Earthlings to work on their space tobacco farm against their will? The real question is why? Any advanced alien intelligence that could conquer the stars would not being looking for alien slaves on primitive worlds, no, they would get Cylons to do their betting for them...well, until they revolt.
And besides, did the aliens already did this with the Great Pyramids?

Aliens wanna kick our ass so they can breed with us!

The only way for this to work is if we think that the galaxy is similar to the one seen in Prometheus, where the Engineers created us using their own DNA matrix, making us and them similar on a genetic level. But I doubt they would cross light-years just to use us for their breeding stock...but maybe for their biological weapons. Some fans theorize that the xenomorphs in the ALIENS universe were developed to wipe us allowing the Engineers to take our world from us, and the crashed vessel on LV426 was a carrier for a extinction level plague that would cleanse the world for their arrival. This would been that the Engineers did not want to breed with us, but for their biological weapon system to be the ability to, expending the rein of death and destruction. Remind me NOT to bump into these things without my raygun!

Aliens wanna kick our ass because we offend their god(s)!

Here on Earth, we humans have been killing in the name of religion (and xenophobia) for as there as been war and religion, and despite our high tech, advanced culture, people still kill and oppress in the name of god. Could that be a reason for alien invasion? That reason was good enough for the multiple alien species of the Covenant to wage decades of bloody war across all of human space in the HALO universe, but I have trouble believing that ETs would cross dozens of lightyears, commit lives and ships to genocidal campaign just based on their religion. Us just living on our own little world, not even able to make much past our planet's atmosphere, would not pose some moral threat to their way of life. While that was good enough here on Earth for murder, crossing an ocean is not when compared to the gaps between star systems.

Aliens wanna kick our ass because they can?

Humans can be needlessly cruel, all it takes is someone to feel they have power over you, and they can twist that into the cruelty of the highest order. It could just be a boss who doesn't like you that makes you close every frakking night, or a girlfriend who enjoys torturing you, or a kid setting anthills on fire. Then there are the more serious crimes, domestic abuse, child and animal abuse, all of the people that do this are the lowest form of life. Could aliens feel the same way? Could they just destroy us because they can? They would first have to find us in the vast gulf of space, then travel here, then unleash hell just to get their jollies off. Sounds like a lot of work when they could just play Xbox Live.   

Though boys throw stones at frogs in sport, the frogs do not die in sport, but in earnest. -Bion

Aliens wanna kick our ass and make us worship their god(s)!

Human being have done this throughout our own history, from the Conquistadors, to the preying towns of the English colonies in North America, to the Roman Empire, to even some modern day terrorist organizations. We humans need others to believe what we believe, or they are less than humans in our eyes, and we can feel better about murdering them. Would this be true of aliens coming to Terra? First, ET would have to a religion that in some way is close to ours, where their god(s) command them to make new followers, for them to be aggressive about their religion enough to mount interstellar scouting expeditions to locate sentient alien life, then, come back to that world, and conquer it make new converts. Even the Covenant did not want us to worship their gods. Then, somehow, their alien religion would need to be translated to human terms, while the Catholic Church did this with portions of the globe, but any ET would so different than us that is hard to believe that they would want or need our souls for their gods. There is a great book about humans going to another populated star system on a missionary mission, it is called the Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell. You should read this novel.   

Aliens wanna kick our ass so we will worship them!

Sir Arthur C. Clarke said when we do push out and make contact, we will not find men such has ourselves, but "apes or angels". This theory has been covered in science fiction works, from the First Ones in Babylon 5, to the Forerunners in HALO, and the Ancients in the Stargate Universe. But would these vastly superior aliens help us, or hurt us, or subject us to their will? What if the Q Continuum had come Earth just after the last ice age or after the nuclear war, and made us worship them as gods? Some believers of ancient alien theory think that alien beings came to Earth and were regarded as gods, some even think the most modern religions are based on alien contact.Would an very advanced alien species do this...make us worship them? That means that these incredibly advanced ETs would need adulation from 'lower lifeforms' to make themselves feel superior and divine, or they are doing this task to set Terrans on the right path. We know that humans do all manner of acts to receive adulation from rock stars, to porn stars, to the leaders of North Korea, but would an alien do this? That would largely depend on if these aliens had similar types of thinking as us, and as I have previously stated above, they would have to understand the meaning of God in our own terms. While we have done some of this in our own past, (I'm looking at you L. Ron Hubbard!), I have trouble believing that EBEs from the distant cosmos would come here just for that reason, to conquer us then make us worship them...that does seem it would go really well for them. If they were going to insert them as our gods, then they would have already accomplished that in our distant past. I think is more likely that being like the Q would view us as insects and ignore us all together.

Aliens wanna kick our ass before we kick theirs!

In the third season of Star Trek: Enterprise, the Xindi were building a super-weapon to destroy the Earth to counter their races' future extinction by the Federation in the 26th century. This was also the theme of the 1995 hard-science book, the Killing Star, where a 21st century Earth is wiped out by a relativistic kill vehicle, and only a few pockets of humans are left in the solar system, trying to hide from the alien mop-up fleet. The reason behind this sudden and brutal attack? When humans began to explore outside of their solar system with near light-speed vessels, they became a threat to these aliens. This what Dr. Stephen Hawking warned us about, contact with aliens would result in bloodshed, because we humans would be a threat to them, or that's what they would think. The same was true of our ancestors many thousands of years ago, when they saw another human, they killed to protect what was theirs. And the same would be true of deep space, and this could the real reason behind alien invasion or interstellar war.

Aliens wanna kick our ass for...Strawberry ice cream?!

Way back, there was this TV special called UFO Cover up Live! hosted by M*A*S*H's Mike Farrell and aired around 1988. On this program, which I watched at some ungodly time at night, an Area-51 insider, 'Falcon' suggested that the US government and the Grey Aliens had a trading deal, and one of the Terran item requested by the Greys was strawberry ice cream. No shit. Strawberry frakking ice cream. So, aliens can travel lightyears with FTL drives but cannot make strawberry ice cream? Wouldn't that it be fucked up if that were the truth behind these UFO sightings, that the Greys just wanna find a Ben and Jerry's?